Intent Matters. Impact Matters More.

Some of the toughest professional training I ever got was also the most valuable.

I was working for a consulting company. Our services were built around coaching our clients without letting our self-talk get in the way. Say, for example, a client reminded me of a bully from high school. I’d want to clear my head of that thought so that I could focus 100% on what the client needs.

Doing this work meant we had to tune into what we were thinking, moment to moment, and see how these thoughts led to actions that might be hurtful.

The biggest and most shocking realization I had was when multiple colleagues told me they felt belittled by me. I wanted to write it off as their own problem, but after enough colleagues told me the same thing, I couldn’t deny it anymore: I had some nasty thoughts that led to hurtful behaviors.

It didn’t matter what I intended. All that mattered was the impact of my actions. It was hard (hard hard) learning, but I still benefit from it today — and, more importantly, the people in my life benefit from it.

As my career went on, and as I gained more experience as an organizational leader, I saw how my words and deeds had outsized impact. And as I’ve learned more about the wiles of privilege, I’ve seen how my status as a cisgender, heterosexual, able-bodied white man amplifies the impact of all that I do.

Through it all, there’s not a single time I’ve actually wanted to reckon with the impact of my actions. I like to think of myself as a “good person.” I sincerely believe that most of what I’ve done has been well-intended. And sure, that’s better than deliberately being a jerk. But at the end of the day, if we’re serious about making a better world, we simply have to get better at seeing the impact of our actions, regardless of our intent, and dealing with it. How else are we supposed to line up our actions with our values? It’s a pretty airtight logic, hard as it may be to live by.

Returning to my work at the consulting company, the epiphany led to a long (still ongoing) inquiry into my own thought processes and behaviors that harm others. Over the years I’ve gotten better at seeing how my brain works, and at interrupting deeds before they happen. It’s never fun to see, but it’s always helpful, in two ways.

First, it lowers the chance that I’ll act unconsciously and end up hurting others.

Second, the more I’m able to treat the thought patterns as an object of study, the less they’re a “part of me,” and the weaker their grip. The task becomes less about overriding my snobbery, and more about actually becoming less snobby in my thoughts.

Still, sometimes we’ll end up hurting others, no matter how hard we try not to. So, when our actions do harm others, we need two things: (1) feedback mechanisms that alert us to the harm, and (2) processes for healing and repair. The more power we have, the harder this can be. I’ll take this up in a future post.