Free to choose

So you've laid them bare, all the "shameful" thoughts. Now what? The first instinct is often to reject, to wish the thoughts away. "That's not really me," we think. Or, a common response to some of the milder thoughts is to believe them, to reaffirm them: "Well, Chinese really are [insert stereotype]." Neither of these responses will serve you, because they, too, are reactive.

What's to be done is simply to recognize the thoughts for what they are: automatic, survival-driven, abidingly human creations that serve a purpose in one area of human endeavor — staying alive — but not in the higher human pursuits. A respected colleague of mine once said: "Have compassion for the mechanism." By "mechanism," she meant the mental machinery that generates these thoughts. If we can generate compassion for that part of ourselves, and see the mechanism for what it is, then it doesn't have to run the show anymore. Which is the punchline to this discussion: Only once you've become aware of the nature of your mind's automatic mechanism, and shaken hands with it, will you be maximally free to choose what to think.

There may be times in your China dealings when you're best served by thinking of the Chinese as utterly different from you. You may, for instance, be reminding yourself of the necessity of questioning your familiar, Western perspective on things, in order to adapt appropriately to China. There may also be times when you're best served by thinking of the Chinese as absolutely identical to you: imagining the woman across the table from you as a wife and mother, just like you, could be the key to understanding her perspective — even if you don't share it — thus opening the door to moving an agreement forward.

The trick to the whole thing — usually not easy, but easier with practice — is to continually ground yourself in your own freedom to choose what to think, and therefore how to act. Westerners are up against a lot of automated reactions in our encounters with China, so the task is formidable. But the work is well worth doing. I suspect you'll find that its rewards will not stay confined to the China realm, but will spill over into other areas of your life.